I Miss my Family

I never thought my heart could hurt this much.

I miss my husband so much. I miss my children so much.

They are all doing fine without me. I'm not doing fine without them.

I know how much I have hurt them. Especially the man I fell in love with.

The feeling in my gut tonight is unexplainable. Every night I cry myself to sleep.

If I get in tomorrow it's only the beginning of the 30 days. If I miss 1 bus I won't get there in time.

I just want a life free from addiction that includes my husband, 3 kids, 1 dog, 1 cat, 7 guinea pigs and my sanity.

Now I need to go so I can go throw up again!

Going Numb

These days are so long. The nights are brutal. I miss my home. I miss my children. I miss my independence. I miss what I guess I had but I didn't respect it.

The guilt. Oh dear God the guilt. How could a mother tempt fate by opening a bottle? It was like Russian Roulette and guess what? Damn thing blew my heart out.

I was a good mommy. When the kids needed a hug or a kiss they came straight to me. They would argue who got to sit or lay next to me.

My kids both said today on the phone, "mommy, just please come home."

I never usually curse but what the FUCK have I done?

Yes my tears are streaming. Yes I'm feeling sorry for myself. It's like someone took a vase and dropped on the floor. Then instead of picking up the pieces they kicked them all over. Then someone said,"pick it up and try and find the pieces and glue it back together."

Here I am at my daughter/boyfriends apartment. A state away. I had to ask my 20yr old daughter to buy me a diet coke. I have no purse. Do you know how demeaning it is to have to ask for a soda pop? They took every dime from me. They don't drink coffee. Guess who hasn't had coffee? Herbal tea. They don't have much money. My daughter is 20yr.

They eat meat. I don't. They bought me a few soups and have asked if I want maybe to try some chicken. I haven't eaten meat in almost 10yrs.

The good news is size 8 are getting roomy.

Okay, I am feeling sorry for myself. Nobody is or should go out of their way to accommodate me.

The funny thing is, this is not all about alcohol. This was about some VERY poor decision I chose to make.

I would love to feel no pain but alcohol is just not even appealing to me. The thought right now is like asking somebody to finish me off.

I've already been away from my kids for a week. I haven't even started the 30days.

I have a very bad feeling about what my husbands going to do while I'm away.

I can't lose my kids.

Rocky Bottom

I don't feel like that I have hit rock bottom I feel like I have just been bouncing on a rocky bottom for quite the while.

I have my sober weeks. I have my sober months. I've even had my sober years. But it always seems that alcohol is a friend that comes out of nowhere to grab my hand and take me for a spin.

My old friend needs a obituary. He needs to be dead and buried long before I am.

When I was told that I needed to go to a in house treatment facility for 30 days I instantly said no. How could I stand to be away from my kids that long. At some random place where people told me what to do and when to sleep? What the hell? I have never been to jail but this sure sounds like what it would be like. I was being told what clothes were allowed and the no make up rule. I would be with a roommate possibly in treatment for crack? No computers or cell phones.

Then I realized that my life had become unmanageable. It really didn't matter that I was 43yr and being told what to do. It's what I had yet to try in my battle against my old friend. Maybe things could and would change, finally!

I am at my oldest daughters staying. I don't have insurance so I had to apply for a state funded rehab. They had told me they had a bed for me starting on Tue/today but when I called to ask a question yesterday they had no record of a bed for me. Meanwhile my two younger kids are at home with my future son in laws sister. My husband is traveling for business. On top of all this my mother inlaw was sent home with hospice. My life seems to deem such GREAT timing.

My husband is still planing on moving out. He just wants me well so I can be a good mother.

He doesn't want to be married to a alcoholic, I don't blame him.

So here I sit waiting by the phone....Will Jeanie call and say those magic words, "we have a bed" or will I just sit and wait? I sure as hell won't drink. It's been 6days since my last glass of vino.

The Pain of My Addiction

Please watch this as I have so many times....it's me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6cdPeYJh0s

This is my life .

I hope I remember my way home.

In Life and in Death

I got a call from my hubby this morning. He said that MIL had a better night. They started to give her Morphine to help her relax so she could breath better. My sweet hubby spent the night at the hospital so that if anything were to happen he would be there. They are talking about next week being a time she might go home. They said things could change either way.

My husband said that last night she started going over her final wishes with him. He said it really threw him for a loop. But in the end he felt better about everything. She took a lot of guess work out of it. Speculation is not a comforting way to deal with situations like this.

I was reading about the death or really life of Corey Haim. All the comments end up leading back to abuse of his addictions. He was a actor but his addiction defined everyones opinion of him. That seems to be all anyone wants to talk about.

So I started thinking. When I die will people just define my as the "Alcoholic?" Will they say, "well I saw that coming!" "No surprise there." All those things people thought about Corey.

My heart aches for addicts. Some have better control while still others don't. I feel heartache for the homeless guy on the street. I feel heartache for the attorney in the 5k suit. I feel for anyone who can't get their addictions under control. Sometimes it's a battle to a early grave.

I hope I am remembered as a mother who loved her family. Not a alcoholic.

I guess it will all depend on how I die.

Mixed Bag

Today has been one of those crabby patty days. It's one that really can test you on many levels.

My husband received a call from his aunt that his mom was admitted to the hospital because she had developed pneumonia. She had not been in the greatest of health but nothing a little oxygen couldn't help. She has had COPD for a longtime. She was dealing with it. Now add in the pneumonia and things aren't looking so hot. So my husband drove to be with her. He is her only child. His father has really never been in his life so it's just been him and his mom. You can imagine how close they are.

As I sit here all I can feel inside is panic. All the what if's?

She live's 4hrs from us. What will I do with the kid's? What if she dies? Will my husband want/need me to be there? Who will take care of our animals? How long will I be gone? What will I pack? What will I tell my son(his Grandma) is his fave grandma.

There is more and the list goes on forever. I don't have a connection with my own mother right now. We have a strained relationship. Some because of my childhood and some because she doesn't understand why I just can't drink like a grown up.

My MIL...she accepts me for the messed up wreck I am.

I just want to calm my nerves in a bottle of Chardonnay.

But I can't and I won't do that. I wouldn't want to disgrace her by doing that. She has 28yrs sober.

Please Mom, get well, I'm not ready to lose you.

MyTwitter-EEERRRRR

I realized the other day that I mostly choose who to follow on Twitter by their blog as opposed to their tweets. I have been to embarrassed about my writing skills to admit I have a blog. My writing and grammar may leave a bit to be desired but what can I say...

So I am posting my blog link on twitter. Sorry folks!

Hey on a side note, if anyone wants to send me back to school for a proper English course and creative writing class I would love it.

Crack Pipe!

It is 13 degree's outside right now and as the day warms up, I will be on "crack pipe" alert. That's what the resident teenager calls it. Yesterday by 3pm four of my neighbors had water shooting out their foundations. Now mind you these houses were built in 2000. They're well insulated except for the garages. Outside water spikets just seem to burst. The problem is when the garage area looks like mine. A mess. Equipment, tools, boxes(lot's) kids stuff, you name it. Now if that stuff gets all wet...crap! So I sit and wait! Maybe I shouldn't just sit! Maybe I should get some laundry done! I would do the dishes but the dishwasher started shooting water all over my kitchen yesterday.

It's gonna be a LONG day.

I would just like to be the first person to say, "I love Christmas with the Cranks!" They love elderly people and so do I. I think they have so much to offer. Two things I love in this world. I love new born babies and old people. If I had the choice I would choose old people.

St. Nick

The other day someone informed me that they read my blog. I immediately was intimidated. This person was not someone that I actually didn't really want reading about my family and my personal struggles. I went straight to invited readers only. I haven't written much lately because of a personal tragedy in my and my husbands lives. I however decided that I have a personal need to share. So I guess I just decided that I don't really care that much.

Times are very tough right now. My husband was laid off. Last year my husband went from self employed for over 25yrs to working for a company. He took the job because of the health and dental plan. Also steady work. The company has chose not to use him on their next big project because he makes 3 times what their other employees make. They fricken hired him at that wage and now want him to cut it by $15 per hour. It's not fair. His unemployment keeps a roof over our head and food in our bellies but that's it. I can't seem to find a job in home healthcare. My credentials have all expired after 10yrs and who can afford the new classes. I know I sound like I'm whiny but damn it...I CAN'T HELP IT! I pray every night that things will get better. I guess I should just remember that my family is healthy and all my kids are happy.

I have to make a omission! I LOVE dorky Christmas movies. I think after all these years I know why. Most of those movies are about finding love at Christmas. They are all about St. Nick.

11yrs ago Dec. 18, 1999 I was single again. I had been married for 6yrs before. I was working at a store and they had a company party. I already had two dates for said party but I wasn't really thrilled about either guy. My boss had recently shown me some pictures from her wedding. I noticed one guy( dancing to the Macarena no less) I thought was handsome. I asked my boss who he was and she told me and showed me his hot blonde girlfriend next to him. But that night, the night of the party, he had broken up with that hot blonde. She decided to call him. I protested so much but she did it anyway. Long story, short....I fell in love that night. I have been in love with that man since. We had a surprise that next April, a baby. He was due at Christmas so we named him Nick. Nick will be 10yrs this NEXT year. He was overdue and it was the new Millenium, day two. My son was born in the hours following one of the scariest changes I had ever been through, the year 2000! He didn't end up being "St Nick" but "Nick" perfectly suits him!

One other thing...the gifted writers I follow are so articulate. When I write I realize how much more I should of paid attention in English. My grammar sucks! Sorry!

Um....Really?

I am 42 and it didn't last long.

The Dental Pain

So today I had two teeth pulled, OUCH! Man my mouth hurts. Years of neglect has landed me here. Now on top of it all I have a partial in my mouth. Will I ever get used to it? I am having about $7000 worth of work done over the next few months and I am not looking forward to it. The pain now is nothing I can't deal with it's just something I wish I didn't have to.

On top of everything else my period won't start. It's over 10 days late and it's driving me nuts. I think it's just the start of me getting old.

My guinea pig count as of today is 15. This all because someone accidentally put the boy pig in with the girl pigs and he got all 4 females prego in a matter of hours. I didn't know it was even possible for a pig to have that kind of stamina! It's funny because the boy pigs name is Elvis because he's Elvis with the pelvis! Now to find satiable homes for all these little guys. Elvis is going to make a little visit to the vet so it doesn't happen again, EVER!

Feeding all these pigs is $$$$ ! Between their food pellets, fresh fruits and veggies and well piggie checks at the vet I'll be broke.

I do love my piggies though!

I still haven't drank and I don't miss it. Actually that is a partial lie. I could of used a nice Pinot Gris the other day when it was 107 outside. But I got through and one glass of wine is never enough. I sure do wish I didn't have my parents bad genes. My father (real one, sperm donor) had a drinking problem. I don't know him but I have heard stories. My mother is VERY obese. She doesn't understand why people have problems with alcohol. She always say, "just don't do it!" Well mommy all those knee replacements, back surgeries, diabetes's, foot surgeries and the list goes on....wouldn't be necessary if you would just put that fork down!

I grew up vowing I would never be heavy like my mother. At 42yr I wear a size 10. I'm okay with that. I'm a vegetarian and have been for about 6yrs. With the exception of fish every once in a while I can't even imagine eating meat. I do LOVE cheese. My hubby brought home a hugh platter of sliced cheese from Costco yesterday. It is so fattening but soooo good! I love Asiago cheese. I eat it just cut into slices. Oh and good Gorgonzola. Now I'm hungry and can't eat....SHIT!

Now I am going to be a bum and watch the movie Sunshine Cleaning! I so hope it's good.

Just remember to brush and floss the teeth you want to keep!

I Wish I Could Sleep 13 Hours

This week oldest child moved back home, again! Poor thing just can't seem to get the man thing right. She knows he's not good for her. She is just scarred of being alone. Not to mention the fact she has to move back home to her own room. Now comes the task of moving all her stuff back into storage. This is the 3rd or maybe 4th time.

She isn't as upset as last time but she's still hurting. She leaves for her vay-cay to Hawaii in a couple of weeks so she has someting to look forword to. I can't believe her 20th birthday is next week.

My husband announced he was "having a bad day and going back to bed!" That was at 11:30am. He is still in bed.

So now the fights start. Younger kid's stay up till 2am and sleep till 3pm and oldest works and has to be to work at 6am. Balance that one mom!

So for now I just wear my striped uniform and say....Shhhh, someones always sleeping! Son of a bitch!

July...Oop's

I haven't posted in so long. I look at the blog list I am reading and I see my own. Some how I always put myself last. I always finish reading everyone else and I get my fill of blogs. Mine always goes to the wayside.

In the month between my last post I have done lots. I finished my program and graduated. Yeah me! I'm still sober.

I've done some Kayaking, hiking, boating, and camping. Lot's of outdoor activities. My dog is loving the camping. My kid's, not so much! No electronic devices. My new fave place is Cougar Washington. It is so pretty up there. It only takes about a hour to get there so it's a easy trip.

I wish I had more to say...what I can I say but I don't!

Oh ya, anyone out there want a guinea pig? I now have 9 and one more due any day.

I could freakin wring the piggie rescue for mis-sexing that cute red piggy. Then I would have to wring my own neck for not checking it myself.

Still Sober!

I can't believe how long it's taken me to post again. With camping, school ending this week and my classes, time just flew by.

I am finished with class on July 14! It seemed to go so fast. I enjoyed every minute of it and for that I am thankful. I know so many people in my life that are still suffering. If I have learned one thing from this entire journey it's that you can't force anyone into it. They need to be in the right state of mind in order to succeed. It still breaks my heart for those that still suffer. I wish I could take away the pain and give them a new found freedom.

One day at a time.....

Friday, Again!

Most people look forward to Friday. Me, it the start of routine bending(or so I call it)!

Nothing is ever in a routine. One child is going to a friends after school to spend the night. One husband is flying home. One son is already bored. The car has to go to the shop. The lawns need mowed. The grandparents expect us to drive for 2hrs to spend Sat. with them. The laundry needs done. I need to go to DEQ followed by DMV. I need to pick up kid from friends house before friends parent leaves. It seems never ending.

Maybe I should just go back to bed till Monday?

Crap! I have class today! Crap!

But the one thing that stands out on this friday is...I'm still sober!

Memorial Day

I made it to the Columbia River....yeah! 

Picnic in hand, children in tow!

The beach was full of sun worshippers from all walks of life. It's nice at this park," The Fishermans Bar." At least I think that's the name?

We all played in the river and had a grat time people watching.

Speaking of people watching, why can't I be comfortable with my body to where a bathing suit? Some of these women were a good 200-250lbs and were wearing swimsuits. Me, I'm 5"7 and 143lbs and I am NOT wearing a suit out! Some of these women had two pieces on! I wish I was that confident. I feel out of place wearing shorts.

Off to the Falls!

What happen to the picnic by the river?

Instead he tells me we are going geocaching!

I wanted to sit by the river.

He wants to hike the falls.

So gps in hand we are off to hike the falls. We shall look for some weird trinket that someone else deems worthy of hiding. We shall also hide some strange tricket for the next husband that comes along that decided to drag his poor wife hiking instead of said place by the river! Maybe I shall place a loaded gun in the trinket box....now he'll listen to his wife!

I'm kidding, or am I?

I'm off!

Would You Guy's Please Knock it Off!

My kids are normally loud. When I ask them to please be quiet while my husband takes his nap they decide to kick it up a notch.  Why? They decide it is time to wrestle. Time to make one another laugh. Time to drive their mom insane! It's actually not a long  journey to insanity for me, just a short trip.

Why is it that I gained 2lbs over the last month? Could it be those chocolate macadamian turtles from Costco? Why the hell does my husband keep buying them?

What's 13 and has a 2K phone bill?

My daughter and I have a shared family plan with tmobile. It is a seperate bill then the rest of the families. My husband kept forgetting to pay it so he put it on autopay. Imagine our surprise when we got a "book" in the mail from tmobile. My husband opened it only to find a $1300.00 bill for this month. This must be a mistake, right? Nope! My daughter had gone over her text messages that much. So hubby calls tmobile only to discover last months was almost $400.00 and this month(1 1/2 week into the bill) is already at $500.00! She has over 5000 text messages. Now I ask you, How does anyone who's getting A & B's have that much free time on their hands?

WTH?

Tmobile has agreed to take the current $500 off but thats it. We have been a loyal customer for over 15 years. We have 5 cell phones through them. We normally pay about $300 a month for them.  Don't you think they could of reduced the charges a bit more?

On a side note...The 13yr old does not know she now has unlimited texts. She won't know because she needs to have her phone surgically removed (if you get my drift)!