Thursday, March 25, 2010

I Miss my Family

I never thought my heart could hurt this much.
I miss my husband so much. I miss my children so much.
They are all doing fine without me. I'm not doing fine without them.
I know how much I have hurt them. Especially the man I fell in love with.
The feeling in my gut tonight is unexplainable. Every night I cry myself to sleep.
If I get in tomorrow it's only the beginning of the 30 days. If I miss 1 bus I won't get there in time.

I just want a life free from addiction that includes my husband, 3 kids, 1 dog, 1 cat, 7 guinea pigs and my sanity.
Now I need to go so I can go throw up again!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Going Numb

These days are so long. The nights are brutal. I miss my home. I miss my children. I miss my independence. I miss what I guess I had but I didn't respect it.
The guilt. Oh dear God the guilt. How could a mother tempt fate by opening a bottle? It was like Russian Roulette and guess what? Damn thing blew my heart out.
I was a good mommy. When the kids needed a hug or a kiss they came straight to me. They would argue who got to sit or lay next to me.
My kids both said today on the phone, "mommy, just please come home."
I never usually curse but what the FUCK have I done?
Yes my tears are streaming. Yes I'm feeling sorry for myself. It's like someone took a vase and dropped on the floor. Then instead of picking up the pieces they kicked them all over. Then someone said,"pick it up and try and find the pieces and glue it back together."

Here I am at my daughter/boyfriends apartment. A state away. I had to ask my 20yr old daughter to buy me a diet coke. I have no purse. Do you know how demeaning it is to have to ask for a soda pop? They took every dime from me. They don't drink coffee. Guess who hasn't had coffee? Herbal tea. They don't have much money. My daughter is 20yr.
They eat meat. I don't. They bought me a few soups and have asked if I want maybe to try some chicken. I haven't eaten meat in almost 10yrs.
The good news is size 8 are getting roomy.

Okay, I am feeling sorry for myself. Nobody is or should go out of their way to accommodate me.
The funny thing is, this is not all about alcohol. This was about some VERY poor decision I chose to make.

I would love to feel no pain but alcohol is just not even appealing to me. The thought right now is like asking somebody to finish me off.
I've already been away from my kids for a week. I haven't even started the 30days.

I have a very bad feeling about what my husbands going to do while I'm away.
I can't lose my kids.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Rocky Bottom

I don't feel like that I have hit rock bottom I feel like I have just been bouncing on a rocky bottom for quite the while.
I have my sober weeks. I have my sober months. I've even had my sober years. But it always seems that alcohol is a friend that comes out of nowhere to grab my hand and take me for a spin.
My old friend needs a obituary. He needs to be dead and buried long before I am.

When I was told that I needed to go to a in house treatment facility for 30 days I instantly said no. How could I stand to be away from my kids that long. At some random place where people told me what to do and when to sleep? What the hell? I have never been to jail but this sure sounds like what it would be like. I was being told what clothes were allowed and the no make up rule. I would be with a roommate possibly in treatment for crack? No computers or cell phones.

Then I realized that my life had become unmanageable. It really didn't matter that I was 43yr and being told what to do. It's what I had yet to try in my battle against my old friend. Maybe things could and would change, finally!

I am at my oldest daughters staying. I don't have insurance so I had to apply for a state funded rehab. They had told me they had a bed for me starting on Tue/today but when I called to ask a question yesterday they had no record of a bed for me. Meanwhile my two younger kids are at home with my future son in laws sister. My husband is traveling for business. On top of all this my mother inlaw was sent home with hospice. My life seems to deem such GREAT timing.

My husband is still planing on moving out. He just wants me well so I can be a good mother.
He doesn't want to be married to a alcoholic, I don't blame him.

So here I sit waiting by the phone....Will Jeanie call and say those magic words, "we have a bed" or will I just sit and wait? I sure as hell won't drink. It's been 6days since my last glass of vino.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

The Pain of My Addiction

Please watch this as I have so many's me.

This is my life .

I hope I remember my way home.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

In Life and in Death

I got a call from my hubby this morning. He said that MIL had a better night. They started to give her Morphine to help her relax so she could breath better. My sweet hubby spent the night at the hospital so that if anything were to happen he would be there. They are talking about next week being a time she might go home. They said things could change either way.
My husband said that last night she started going over her final wishes with him. He said it really threw him for a loop. But in the end he felt better about everything. She took a lot of guess work out of it. Speculation is not a comforting way to deal with situations like this.

I was reading about the death or really life of Corey Haim. All the comments end up leading back to abuse of his addictions. He was a actor but his addiction defined everyones opinion of him. That seems to be all anyone wants to talk about.
So I started thinking. When I die will people just define my as the "Alcoholic?" Will they say, "well I saw that coming!" "No surprise there." All those things people thought about Corey.
My heart aches for addicts. Some have better control while still others don't. I feel heartache for the homeless guy on the street. I feel heartache for the attorney in the 5k suit. I feel for anyone who can't get their addictions under control. Sometimes it's a battle to a early grave.

I hope I am remembered as a mother who loved her family. Not a alcoholic.
I guess it will all depend on how I die.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Mixed Bag

Today has been one of those crabby patty days. It's one that really can test you on many levels.
My husband received a call from his aunt that his mom was admitted to the hospital because she had developed pneumonia. She had not been in the greatest of health but nothing a little oxygen couldn't help. She has had COPD for a longtime. She was dealing with it. Now add in the pneumonia and things aren't looking so hot. So my husband drove to be with her. He is her only child. His father has really never been in his life so it's just been him and his mom. You can imagine how close they are.

As I sit here all I can feel inside is panic. All the what if's?
She live's 4hrs from us. What will I do with the kid's? What if she dies? Will my husband want/need me to be there? Who will take care of our animals? How long will I be gone? What will I pack? What will I tell my son(his Grandma) is his fave grandma.
There is more and the list goes on forever. I don't have a connection with my own mother right now. We have a strained relationship. Some because of my childhood and some because she doesn't understand why I just can't drink like a grown up.
My MIL...she accepts me for the messed up wreck I am.

I just want to calm my nerves in a bottle of Chardonnay.
But I can't and I won't do that. I wouldn't want to disgrace her by doing that. She has 28yrs sober.

Please Mom, get well, I'm not ready to lose you.

Friday, March 5, 2010


I realized the other day that I mostly choose who to follow on Twitter by their blog as opposed to their tweets. I have been to embarrassed about my writing skills to admit I have a blog. My writing and grammar may leave a bit to be desired but what can I say...

So I am posting my blog link on twitter. Sorry folks!
Hey on a side note, if anyone wants to send me back to school for a proper English course and creative writing class I would love it.