Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Going Numb

These days are so long. The nights are brutal. I miss my home. I miss my children. I miss my independence. I miss what I guess I had but I didn't respect it.
The guilt. Oh dear God the guilt. How could a mother tempt fate by opening a bottle? It was like Russian Roulette and guess what? Damn thing blew my heart out.
I was a good mommy. When the kids needed a hug or a kiss they came straight to me. They would argue who got to sit or lay next to me.
My kids both said today on the phone, "mommy, just please come home."
I never usually curse but what the FUCK have I done?
Yes my tears are streaming. Yes I'm feeling sorry for myself. It's like someone took a vase and dropped on the floor. Then instead of picking up the pieces they kicked them all over. Then someone said,"pick it up and try and find the pieces and glue it back together."

Here I am at my daughter/boyfriends apartment. A state away. I had to ask my 20yr old daughter to buy me a diet coke. I have no purse. Do you know how demeaning it is to have to ask for a soda pop? They took every dime from me. They don't drink coffee. Guess who hasn't had coffee? Herbal tea. They don't have much money. My daughter is 20yr.
They eat meat. I don't. They bought me a few soups and have asked if I want maybe to try some chicken. I haven't eaten meat in almost 10yrs.
The good news is size 8 are getting roomy.

Okay, I am feeling sorry for myself. Nobody is or should go out of their way to accommodate me.
The funny thing is, this is not all about alcohol. This was about some VERY poor decision I chose to make.

I would love to feel no pain but alcohol is just not even appealing to me. The thought right now is like asking somebody to finish me off.
I've already been away from my kids for a week. I haven't even started the 30days.

I have a very bad feeling about what my husbands going to do while I'm away.
I can't lose my kids.


Robin said...

Hi. I felt and thought everything you are right before I went to treatment. It hasn't been a year yet and it's still raw, but I know it was the best -- the only -- thing I could do. Take care and I'll think of you.

Jae said...

I can only imagine how hard this time is. You have to just let go and know that God, the powers that be, whatever, let it go and know it will work out as it should. Holding on so tight and worrying so hard doesn't help you right now, in the fragile state you're in. Breathe, and try to enjoy the time with your older daughter. You'll be in my thoughts as well. :)