Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Rocky Bottom

I don't feel like that I have hit rock bottom I feel like I have just been bouncing on a rocky bottom for quite the while.
I have my sober weeks. I have my sober months. I've even had my sober years. But it always seems that alcohol is a friend that comes out of nowhere to grab my hand and take me for a spin.
My old friend needs a obituary. He needs to be dead and buried long before I am.

When I was told that I needed to go to a in house treatment facility for 30 days I instantly said no. How could I stand to be away from my kids that long. At some random place where people told me what to do and when to sleep? What the hell? I have never been to jail but this sure sounds like what it would be like. I was being told what clothes were allowed and the no make up rule. I would be with a roommate possibly in treatment for crack? No computers or cell phones.

Then I realized that my life had become unmanageable. It really didn't matter that I was 43yr and being told what to do. It's what I had yet to try in my battle against my old friend. Maybe things could and would change, finally!

I am at my oldest daughters staying. I don't have insurance so I had to apply for a state funded rehab. They had told me they had a bed for me starting on Tue/today but when I called to ask a question yesterday they had no record of a bed for me. Meanwhile my two younger kids are at home with my future son in laws sister. My husband is traveling for business. On top of all this my mother inlaw was sent home with hospice. My life seems to deem such GREAT timing.

My husband is still planing on moving out. He just wants me well so I can be a good mother.
He doesn't want to be married to a alcoholic, I don't blame him.

So here I sit waiting by the phone....Will Jeanie call and say those magic words, "we have a bed" or will I just sit and wait? I sure as hell won't drink. It's been 6days since my last glass of vino.


Corinne said...

I'm thinking of you. You can do this. I know it seems like a lot right now, the timing seems awful, but it will be ok.
Love to you...

One Crafty Mother said...

Stay strong, sister! It's so hard to be in limbo like that - waiting on the phone to ring, waiting, waiting, waiting.

I went to a 28 day rehab, and I went kicking and screaming. It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me, but it took a lot of getting used to at first.

You sound good. You sound strong. You can do this.


Wordgirl said...

As you might guess from what I've written on my blog I still ache in wishing my own mother had had the strength and courage to do what it is you're doing now -- and I'm the 38 year old daughter.

I remember once when a friend refused to give me my car keys --and how furious I was -- for me drinking gave refuge to my rage -- and sobriety taught me how to live in a whole range of emotions -- as raw as it can be.

I'm sorry I'm so long in coming.